Thankful in All Things
“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” 1 Thessalonians 5:18
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
I just competed working on our Thanksgiving worship services. Thanksgiving is the time of year that we as Americans have set aside in order to remember all of the good things that have happened to us during the year. As Christians we remember how gracious God has been to us. We get together with our families and friends and celebrate with a traditional feast that predates the pilgrims: a harvest meal that lasts for several days or even weeks with leftovers.
We do have much for which to be thankful: Americans, in general, have much more wealth than any other country in the world; the average American family has two cars, two kids and a house; the life expectancy in America is higher on average than anywhere else; even with high crime, Americans have a better chance of reaching 50 years of age than in any third-world country; we can buy virtually anything that we could ever want…and most of it is available at Wal-Mart; and anyone in America who wants to go to college has the opportunity to do so.
But it is still difficult for most people to understand, believe and accept the two verses that I read. How can we be thankful in all things? How is it that all things are for our good? I have really had to struggle with these two verses for the past few years.
Many of you are aware that our two boys have been diagnosed with a mild form of autism called Asperger’s Syndrome. When we first took Ashton, our oldest boy, to a Psychologist for testing, we were concerned that he may have ADHD. He was becoming more and more aggressive. It was not unusual for him to trash his bedroom if he was angry: pulling the sheets off of his mattress, pulling the mattress off of his bed, throwing toys against the walls, kicking the door. When he was almost five-years-old he began hitting and kicking us. We knew we needed to find out what was wrong.
Many well meaning people would try to help us by pointing out how things were done when they were children. You know the phrases: “My dad would have spanked me if I ever did something like that” and “my dad used to use his belt for more than just holding his pants up.” If only they knew. We had made the mistake of reading the James Dobson book on “The Strong Willed-Child.” One of the problems that we had was getting our son to stay in bed. Dobson suggests spanking a child every time that get out of bed. His book said that after a few spankings the child would comply. Since we already used spanking as a form of punishment, we decided to try this. I remember spanking Ashton over twenty times one night. He still would not stay in bed. As a matter of fact, he fell asleep on the floor outside of his bedroom door.
We decided that Dobson was not going to work for our child. The only results from all these spankings were negative. Several times Ashton had bruises on his bottom and he began to have night terrors…nightmares that cause the child to cry out, thrash around and hurt themselves. We knew we needed professional help, not parental help. So we arranged the testing with a psychologist and found out that he was indeed moderately ADHD, but we were shocked when she told us that he was also autistic.
Ashton is being treated for his ADHD with medicine, which we were opposed to at first, but after seeing the results we are now convinced it is the right thing. He is also going through Language Therapy and Occupational Therapy after a year of fighting with the school system. We are still trying to get Speech and Language Therapy for Zachary. The main problems that are caused by their autism are a lack of understanding of normal social skills, unusually obsessions and incorrect motor skills. For example, we have had to work hard to teach Ashton not to walk up to complete strangers and kiss their baby. We had to explain that you do not stand beside a table of complete strangers at McDonald’s and watch them eat their food. We have also had to teach our boys that you do not stand inches away from someone as you watch them push the buttons on a Coke machine. These are things that you might tell a normal child once or twice, but an autistic child must be told hundreds of times.
The only way that I can describe how we felt when we learned that Ashton had autism is to compare it to the mourning process that people go through when someone they love dies:
• Denial and shock
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Guilt
• Depression
• Loneliness
• Acceptance
• Hope
I believe that we have experienced every one of these. I could not believe and refused to believe that my child had autism. After all, I had seen autistic kids before. They would run around and around in circles chanting to themselves completely oblivious that anyone else is in the room. I didn’t know that there were mild cases of it. I was in shock. I remember sitting in our living room using every brain cell that I had just to breathe. I could not move, I could not talk, I could not think. When the phone rang and a friend had called to pray with me about the results, all I could do was cry. I think I did manage to say thanks before I hung up the phone. It was God’s perfect timing.
The anger part seemed to spread out for many months. Whenever we had a particularly difficult day with the boys it was easy to get mad and blame others for our problems. After all, autism and ADHD are both hereditary, so we could always blame parents or grandparents. Blaming God was probably the most futile thing, but I did that too. After all, I am a pastor…called by God to serve His people. How could He do this to me? I would get furious when people would say something like, “Well, God has a reason for giving you a special child” or even worse was when someone said, “he probably just needs more discipline. Kids don’t get enough of that today.” I never showed my anger to the people, but I got angrier with God. But God is very patient, tender and loving. He allowed me to get these feelings off my chest without striking me down.
I remember begging God to take these problems away from our boys. I tried to strike up a bargain with Him: if He would just make it go away, then I would be able to spend more time serving Him. Then the guilt would hit me. I remembered all of those spankings and wondered if I was the cause of these problems. I knew that the spankings had caused the night terrors, maybe the night terrors had caused his brain to short-circuit and that caused the autism. I thought that God must be punishing my boys because of some sin of mine. And the guilt and anguish over their problems led to depression. There were many days that it took all of my strength just to get out of bed. I had no desire to get up. I’m not a morning person anyway, but I felt that getting out of bed would just bring more problems. And I had no desire to face more problems.
There were many times of loneliness. I felt as if nobody else in the world could possible understand what I was going through. O.K., maybe there were people who had an autistic child, but were they also a pastor? I doubted it. Then one day I get a phone call from a pastor at a local church who had heard from one of his church members who had talked to one of our church members who had told him that we had a child with autism. I was still dealing with some denial issues at that point and responded, “Well, we have a son with Asperger’s Syndrome, not autism.” He then told me that they also have a son with Asperger’s Syndrome. Their son is more severe then Ashton. He talked with me for over an hour on the phone and offered to help us out in anyway that he could. Most of our earliest good information on dealing with Asperger’s Syndrome came from this man.
I slowly began to accept that our children were “special” and that God had given them to us for a reason. We were told by one person that God must have known that these two boys would need parents who were really patient and understanding of their needs. If we were the type who believed that spanking would solve all of our problems, than we would be doing more harm than good. You see, we have learned that spanking Ashton actually makes him more aggressive. A child with ADHD cannot be beat into submission. I remember how much trouble my parents had with my brother. He was never diagnosed with ADHD, but he believes now that he must have had it. The harder my parents were with him, the more defiant he became.
I do believe that God knew what he was doing by bringing Wendy and I together and allowing us to raise these two boys. I realized when Ashton was only two that we could not just tell him not to do something. He would continually try to do it even if he was spanked. However, if I explained to him, “Ashton, the table will fall if you lean on it,” then he would quit. The professionals all say that you cannot reason with a two-year-old or even a four-year-old, but they’re wrong. Both of our boys have to know the reason behind anything before they will accept it. I guess I learned that from my father. He was a military officer through and through. He expected that we behave and he punished us immediately if we disobeyed, but he always explained to us what we did wrong…after the spanking, but he did explain.
We have been on a long road with our boys and we have a long road ahead, but I believe that God has brought me full circle to a point that I can now accept and believe these two verses. You see, neither verse says that God will not inconvenience us. They don’t say that we will not have problems. Actually, they promise that we will have problems. Otherwise, why even bother to tell us to be thankful. It is easy to be thankful when everything is going our way. It is also easy to forget to thank God when we have no problems. It is through the trials in life that we realize that it is only through His strength that we can survive. It is because of all that He has done, does for, and will do for us that we have any hope at all.
No, I’m not thankful that God allowed our two boys to be born with Autism and ADHD, but I am thankful that God allowed these two boys to be born to us. They are very loving and caring boys. They interact with each other better than my brother and I ever did. They are best friends. They take care of each other. They already have plans to go to college together, to become astronauts together and to live together. They both love Jesus and I am sure will one day become Christians. What more could a parent ask for? For this I am thankful.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
I just competed working on our Thanksgiving worship services. Thanksgiving is the time of year that we as Americans have set aside in order to remember all of the good things that have happened to us during the year. As Christians we remember how gracious God has been to us. We get together with our families and friends and celebrate with a traditional feast that predates the pilgrims: a harvest meal that lasts for several days or even weeks with leftovers.
We do have much for which to be thankful: Americans, in general, have much more wealth than any other country in the world; the average American family has two cars, two kids and a house; the life expectancy in America is higher on average than anywhere else; even with high crime, Americans have a better chance of reaching 50 years of age than in any third-world country; we can buy virtually anything that we could ever want…and most of it is available at Wal-Mart; and anyone in America who wants to go to college has the opportunity to do so.
But it is still difficult for most people to understand, believe and accept the two verses that I read. How can we be thankful in all things? How is it that all things are for our good? I have really had to struggle with these two verses for the past few years.
Many of you are aware that our two boys have been diagnosed with a mild form of autism called Asperger’s Syndrome. When we first took Ashton, our oldest boy, to a Psychologist for testing, we were concerned that he may have ADHD. He was becoming more and more aggressive. It was not unusual for him to trash his bedroom if he was angry: pulling the sheets off of his mattress, pulling the mattress off of his bed, throwing toys against the walls, kicking the door. When he was almost five-years-old he began hitting and kicking us. We knew we needed to find out what was wrong.
Many well meaning people would try to help us by pointing out how things were done when they were children. You know the phrases: “My dad would have spanked me if I ever did something like that” and “my dad used to use his belt for more than just holding his pants up.” If only they knew. We had made the mistake of reading the James Dobson book on “The Strong Willed-Child.” One of the problems that we had was getting our son to stay in bed. Dobson suggests spanking a child every time that get out of bed. His book said that after a few spankings the child would comply. Since we already used spanking as a form of punishment, we decided to try this. I remember spanking Ashton over twenty times one night. He still would not stay in bed. As a matter of fact, he fell asleep on the floor outside of his bedroom door.
We decided that Dobson was not going to work for our child. The only results from all these spankings were negative. Several times Ashton had bruises on his bottom and he began to have night terrors…nightmares that cause the child to cry out, thrash around and hurt themselves. We knew we needed professional help, not parental help. So we arranged the testing with a psychologist and found out that he was indeed moderately ADHD, but we were shocked when she told us that he was also autistic.
Ashton is being treated for his ADHD with medicine, which we were opposed to at first, but after seeing the results we are now convinced it is the right thing. He is also going through Language Therapy and Occupational Therapy after a year of fighting with the school system. We are still trying to get Speech and Language Therapy for Zachary. The main problems that are caused by their autism are a lack of understanding of normal social skills, unusually obsessions and incorrect motor skills. For example, we have had to work hard to teach Ashton not to walk up to complete strangers and kiss their baby. We had to explain that you do not stand beside a table of complete strangers at McDonald’s and watch them eat their food. We have also had to teach our boys that you do not stand inches away from someone as you watch them push the buttons on a Coke machine. These are things that you might tell a normal child once or twice, but an autistic child must be told hundreds of times.
The only way that I can describe how we felt when we learned that Ashton had autism is to compare it to the mourning process that people go through when someone they love dies:
• Denial and shock
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Guilt
• Depression
• Loneliness
• Acceptance
• Hope
I believe that we have experienced every one of these. I could not believe and refused to believe that my child had autism. After all, I had seen autistic kids before. They would run around and around in circles chanting to themselves completely oblivious that anyone else is in the room. I didn’t know that there were mild cases of it. I was in shock. I remember sitting in our living room using every brain cell that I had just to breathe. I could not move, I could not talk, I could not think. When the phone rang and a friend had called to pray with me about the results, all I could do was cry. I think I did manage to say thanks before I hung up the phone. It was God’s perfect timing.
The anger part seemed to spread out for many months. Whenever we had a particularly difficult day with the boys it was easy to get mad and blame others for our problems. After all, autism and ADHD are both hereditary, so we could always blame parents or grandparents. Blaming God was probably the most futile thing, but I did that too. After all, I am a pastor…called by God to serve His people. How could He do this to me? I would get furious when people would say something like, “Well, God has a reason for giving you a special child” or even worse was when someone said, “he probably just needs more discipline. Kids don’t get enough of that today.” I never showed my anger to the people, but I got angrier with God. But God is very patient, tender and loving. He allowed me to get these feelings off my chest without striking me down.
I remember begging God to take these problems away from our boys. I tried to strike up a bargain with Him: if He would just make it go away, then I would be able to spend more time serving Him. Then the guilt would hit me. I remembered all of those spankings and wondered if I was the cause of these problems. I knew that the spankings had caused the night terrors, maybe the night terrors had caused his brain to short-circuit and that caused the autism. I thought that God must be punishing my boys because of some sin of mine. And the guilt and anguish over their problems led to depression. There were many days that it took all of my strength just to get out of bed. I had no desire to get up. I’m not a morning person anyway, but I felt that getting out of bed would just bring more problems. And I had no desire to face more problems.
There were many times of loneliness. I felt as if nobody else in the world could possible understand what I was going through. O.K., maybe there were people who had an autistic child, but were they also a pastor? I doubted it. Then one day I get a phone call from a pastor at a local church who had heard from one of his church members who had talked to one of our church members who had told him that we had a child with autism. I was still dealing with some denial issues at that point and responded, “Well, we have a son with Asperger’s Syndrome, not autism.” He then told me that they also have a son with Asperger’s Syndrome. Their son is more severe then Ashton. He talked with me for over an hour on the phone and offered to help us out in anyway that he could. Most of our earliest good information on dealing with Asperger’s Syndrome came from this man.
I slowly began to accept that our children were “special” and that God had given them to us for a reason. We were told by one person that God must have known that these two boys would need parents who were really patient and understanding of their needs. If we were the type who believed that spanking would solve all of our problems, than we would be doing more harm than good. You see, we have learned that spanking Ashton actually makes him more aggressive. A child with ADHD cannot be beat into submission. I remember how much trouble my parents had with my brother. He was never diagnosed with ADHD, but he believes now that he must have had it. The harder my parents were with him, the more defiant he became.
I do believe that God knew what he was doing by bringing Wendy and I together and allowing us to raise these two boys. I realized when Ashton was only two that we could not just tell him not to do something. He would continually try to do it even if he was spanked. However, if I explained to him, “Ashton, the table will fall if you lean on it,” then he would quit. The professionals all say that you cannot reason with a two-year-old or even a four-year-old, but they’re wrong. Both of our boys have to know the reason behind anything before they will accept it. I guess I learned that from my father. He was a military officer through and through. He expected that we behave and he punished us immediately if we disobeyed, but he always explained to us what we did wrong…after the spanking, but he did explain.
We have been on a long road with our boys and we have a long road ahead, but I believe that God has brought me full circle to a point that I can now accept and believe these two verses. You see, neither verse says that God will not inconvenience us. They don’t say that we will not have problems. Actually, they promise that we will have problems. Otherwise, why even bother to tell us to be thankful. It is easy to be thankful when everything is going our way. It is also easy to forget to thank God when we have no problems. It is through the trials in life that we realize that it is only through His strength that we can survive. It is because of all that He has done, does for, and will do for us that we have any hope at all.
No, I’m not thankful that God allowed our two boys to be born with Autism and ADHD, but I am thankful that God allowed these two boys to be born to us. They are very loving and caring boys. They interact with each other better than my brother and I ever did. They are best friends. They take care of each other. They already have plans to go to college together, to become astronauts together and to live together. They both love Jesus and I am sure will one day become Christians. What more could a parent ask for? For this I am thankful.
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